Buddha’s Dagger

It was another busy night filled with hours of television. I couldn’t tell you what was on-I think it was another rerun of that one show. You know, the one with the dumb fat guy. I think there was a redneck, too. They even threw in a couple jews. The execs in charge were real champions of diversity, let me tell ya. 

The moon was shining in and I let out a sigh as I thought about sucking the fresh air into my lungs. Thought, but there was no movement. My legs were stiff you see, stiff from all the sitting I did during the daylight hours. The best thing for ‘em was to kick them up and stretch them out. I’d save getting on my feet for when I got hungry. My stomach was my god and generic pizza-filled bread would be my offering. I could feel it churning in anticipation. 

I heard knocking downstairs. I shook my head, turned back toward the TV. I was imagining it. Had to be. And if I wasn’t there was nobody up in the middle of the night for whom I would answer the door. A minute passed and nothing happened, then he knocked again. It was louder this time. It went silent, then like clockwork he knocked all the louder.  

A half an hour went by and the pattern cycled. Whoever it was he wasn’t shouting, he wasn’t shining lights through the windows, but he made it pretty clear he wasn’t going away. My knees popped as soon as my feet touched the floor and I cursed to myself as I slipped on my robe. He won-I just hoped whatever he wanted was worth the trip. 

Lo and behold, I found myself staring into my own baby blues and a wave of dread washed over me. There I stood on the other side of the screen door looking back at me with a smirk. “Bout time.” 

I opened my mouth but the words just would not put themselves together. I made a series of nondescript noises before he chimed in with, “Put on some pants. We’re going for a walk.” 

Finally something jumped off my tongue. “But I’m freeballin’ it, man.” 

He nodded and swung his hands together as he rocked on his heels. “I can see that. I don’t wanna get arrested.” 

This was a dream, right? Gandhi knows it’s not the first time I’d have fallen asleep in my easy chair. But if that was the case, man-think of what I could do! I could fly off to the Playboy Mansion. I could travel an earth made of ice cream. I could…  

He interrupted before I got carried away. 

“If you’ve got something better to do than watch 4am informercials then by all means… But I’ll be back. And if you don’t answer I’ll come back again. You and I need to talk. Need, as in this is not a request.” 

If he’d had glasses on he would have been looking at me over the rim. 

I almost shut the door but it was clear he meant it. I figured if I had something to say I best let myself say it. I invited him in with a sigh as I went to dress myself proper, wondering halfway through why I didn’t just wish my clothes upon me or how I could be arrested in my own mind, but I figured if I was gonna run with it I may as well go whole hog. I treated myself with a two-day old shirt and even made my hair look halfway presentable. When I was certain I wouldn’t be mistaken for a hobo we slipped outside and I locked the place behind us. Lady moon and her many stars lit our way and, though I would not say it, I was glad to see her. 

He set the pace, putting one foot briskly in front of the other. He brought a carton of cigarettes to his lips and offered me one. I told him, “I don’t smoke.” He laughed with his left eye closed. “It’s a great time to start.” I didn’t see a lighter but wisps of gray floated past as I turned my eyes to the trees. If he was saying something I’ll never know. My thoughts turned toward nothing in particular and lord were they intent on staying there. He snapped his fingers in front of my face then hit me with a question: 

“So what’s the deal with your ex?” 

I stumbled over my tongue until I finally said, “What are you talking about? I don’t-” 

“You spend half your days thinking about her and the other half wishing you were with her.” 

I was silent. 

“You’ve still got her number, right? Give her a call.” 

“It’s been a year. I can’t just -” 

“You can. It’s not the first time she’s gotten a call outta nowhere, is it? And think about how it all went down-she’s gotta wonder how you’re doing.” 

I hung my head, struggling to keep up with him. “I want to let it go.” 

“Then why haven’t you?” 

I didn’t have an answer. He grinned at me and his voice took on a mischievous tone. 

“You want the little lady to love you. Doesn’t matter one way or the other whether she comes back to you, you just wanna bolster that wounded ego of yours, eh?” 

He patted me on the back and his voice turned warm, almost fatherly. 

“Make her love ya, let it go, whatever, but do something. You can’t stay hooked on the past.” 

“Where else can I go, man?” It sounded more hopeless than it did in my head. I wanted to reach out and shove the words back down my throat but there was no use. I couldn’t hide it from this guy. I didn’t want to. 

“Here you are in modern day America with innumerable resources at your fingertips and you can’t figure out what to do with yourself?” He stopped and turned toward me as he flicked his cigarette onto the pavement. “You have all that passion wound up inside and you need to ask?”  

I shrugged and slumped my shoulders. “I don’t feel it anymore.” 

“Where do you think it went, New Jersey? Your heart did not jump out of your chest and hitch a train outta here.” He motioned for me to put my hand over my heart and without thought I did. “Can you feel it?” 

I nodded and he locked eyes with me. 

“So long as blood flows through your veins that fire will burn.”  

He put his arm around my shoulders and started walking again. We slowed as we neared the lake; the lady in the sky graced us with the most beautiful sight a man could ever hope to see. Fractures of her light danced across the ripples and it seemed the lake itself reached for her. I lost myself to it then I noticed my own reflection, unable to turn away. My other self laughed and let it echo into silence, setting the stage for what would follow.  

“Now you see what I see. You always see what I see, whether you’re gazing into a mirror or you’re standing at the side of this road. Thing is, you look past it. You look for something ugly and when you find it you project it on yourself.” He threw a pebble into the water. The moonlight dispersed and struggled back together as a small circle which formed the jewel for a crown that appeared on my head. I was awestruck. “There’s nothing ugly here. You can only see yourself as you are.” 

I started crying. I didn’t know why but the tears wouldn’t stop. “I always want to see like this.” 

“Then why don’t you?” 

“Because I’d have to put my problems to rest.” 

He slipped the knife into my side and whispered, “Exactly.” 

He took me in his arms and held me as though I were the most precious thing in the world. He lowered me to the ground, I tried to speak. He shushed me and he said, “There’s nothing for you to say. But don’t you worry that pretty little head of yours-I’ll do enough living for the both of us.” 

I slipped into blackness and awoke to the sound of birds on the windowsill. I grinned wide as I could-I was looking through his eyes.